This past weekend I created a Sunday that was completely new and focused on me and my self-care. I found a new yoga studio and attended a powerful Vinyasa class in the morning. I made plans with a friend to go to a meditation at Unity Temple, and stayed for the evening service followed by dinner with a group of people I didn't know. I let myself be open to all the possibilities of the day. I stayed completely connected to the experience even when I had moments of distraction in the form of controlling and questioning. What unfolded was a deeper knowing of my journey and Divine timing.
By the next morning I was journaling about the meditation and I felt rejuvenated and completely on track! I was ready to keep the momentum going. Until...
Somewhere in between writing out a personal prayer and intention on a big piece of poster board on my wall and standing in the shower, something shifted. In my head I was thinking WTF! (Just being honest.) I stood in the shower and said, "OK God, what is this? Why is it that I can feel so great and empowered one minute, having a deep conversation with you and then, BAM, he comes the doubt? Why? Please, I have to know why!" I'm not gonna pretend that it didn't effect me the rest of the day. It did. I tried my best to end the day with a prayer of gratitude even though I was feeling a little snarky about it.
Tuesday morning I woke up and the first thing I did was read my Daily Word. The title was Let Go, Let God. OK here's your sign, I thought to myself. I know we've all heard the phrase many times. There's even songs written about it. Still doesn't make it easy, right? Even the Daily Word said it's the obvious choice but not the easiest one. This was just enough of a nudge to get me moving out of the pit of the pity party. I just kept repeating to myself, please guide me, in thought, words and actions. By the time I began to teach my first class that morning, I was guided to say, "I am not in control. And that is OK." As I guided the class through centering breath, I shared a brief meditation on letting go of control. I have no idea what I said, I just closed my eyes and spoke. After class, I felt compelled to ask if we could have a group photo and everyone enthusiastically agreed. After the photo, one gal came to me and said, "I was just thinking we should have a photo of our group because we are all so connected." As everyone left to go about their day, I had a conversation with another student who shared how she really needed to hear those words about control. She said, "I think we are on similar paths in life. I want you to know that you are creating a sacred and safe place for me to come and heal and live my journey openly." WOW! I responded by telling her that I needed to hear that. We continued to talk about forgiveness and healing. One final thing that she said to me was that the people that are coming to class are clearly on the same vibration. We are vibrating together. We are all holding this sacred space together. As we left the studio I felt the hand of God patting both of us on the back. I sat in my car for a moment in the deepest feeling of gratitude. Divine timing. I thought to myself. How awesome!
My Tuck the Fringe journey has guided me to a deeper consciousness and a higher vibration. It is more work to live this way. Letting go of a lifetime of patterns is not easy. As a matter of fact, it would probably be easier to go back to living those patterns. When we shift our consciousness and raise our vibration, part of that shift is living in our emotions and also knowing that not everyone shifts the way we do. Change is difficult for many. Like I said, it might be easier to stay stuck in the patterns. Easy isn't always worth it. I would much rather continue this journey of UN-Tucking the Fringe, than tucking myself again because it's too tough or it might mean losing a connection to people who can't handle it. For someone who has lived with trying to control life for so long, just to avoid rejection, this is a huge step.
Can you recall a time when it felt like the journey was just too much and it felt easier to go back to your old patterns? Did you have a practice in place to keep you moving forward? Or is part of your pattern going back to same equals safe? Don't judge or critisize yourself. You're human. We all are.
If you are feeling stuck or defeated, you're not alone. There are many who are on this journey and would be so happy to lift you up, including me! God is with you and has his hand on your back right now.
Dear God. I am feeling as though I cannot see my way today. I ask for guidance to see me through. Please guide my thoughts, words and actions today so that I can see the path you have laid for me. I put my trust in your Divine timing. Amen.