I lived my first 38 years of life, pleasing, appeasing and eggshell walking. Keeping my shit together so I could continue to do the dance for others. Controlling and fixing everything while neglecting myself, but looking like I had it all together on the outside. I was labeled by others and carried those labels proudly thinking it made me who I was - the professional, perfectionist, doer, helper, controller, overachiever, people pleaser. I was so good at it I received rewards and was the "go to" person to get things done. Unfortunately, those labels never felt real. I felt like I was pretending and each label became a very heavy armor of expectation placed securely on my heart.
Fortunately, somewhere along the way, a shift started to happen. I was constantly doing for others, never taking time for myself and it all became too much. Cracks started to appear in my armor. Briefly, light would shine through, but I would immediately hide out of fear of what you might think. This kept happening. It was God in my heart letting me know there was much more for me, but I was too scared to listen. I was putting YOU before ME. I was putting more emphasis on YOUR idea of me before GOD'S idea of me.
Then it happened. My heart broke. Literally. The weight of the armor was too much and my heart was not well. Countless tests, medications and my heart still hurt. In a span of 4 years I had so much pain, grief and anxiety that there were times I thought I was having a heart attack. Meanwhile, on the outside, I was buttoned up and professional. Gettin' it done! I was unhappy and in pain. I had Tucked myself for so long I thought I was resigned to live feeling this way for the rest of my life. The internal pain, brought physical pain and that ultimately brought me to self discovery through yoga and meditation. (This is where West meets East in my story). Not only was I hiding underneath all that armor, so was God. Waiting patiently standing side by side with my true self. A decade later I am continuing to chip away at the layers. My achiever side might see it as daunting, but the real me wakes up every morning happy to reveal another layer of ME!
There is still heaviness. Since it spans 38 years, I imagine it will take the rest of my journey to continue the healing. I'm happy to do so. I don't ever want it to stop. Every year for the past 10 has brought a new level of healing and understanding. I'm co-creating with God. The journey has already been set and I'm a willing participant. And I believe Him when he says there is so much more. But like a dog having a squirrel moment, there are times when I get distracted by old patterns. Like not taking time for myself. Or worrying if I do, what YOU might think. See how that works? Truly it runs deep. Everyday I make it my pledge to let go of any thoughts of lack or limitation and any power I have given to another person. I am open to God's will for me and believe I have the power to carry it out.
Are you on the verge of a breakthrough? Do you feel stuck? Are you worried what people might think or say? Can you shift your thoughts to God's idea for you?
If you are feeling a strong desire right now in your heart, that is worth exploring. Sit with it. Visualize it. Journal about it. Dream about it. Does thinking about it bring more Joy into your life? See it for yourself and co-create it with God. Put action behind it. Ask and believe that you have the power to carry it out. Detach from the perceptions of ideas of others. Here's a HUGE reality moment for you that I hope you learn faster than I did. MOST of the people in your life will support you and lift you up. Unfortunately, our ego mind tends to focus on the ONE person and what they might think. This reality might seem all too familiar to you. It did for me for a long time and it is a pattern I will continue to work through. As I was working with one of my private students, she shared that she was reluctant to share her passion for something very dear to her for fear of how one person in her life would react. This person had been a challenge for her always saying negative things about her. My student had this great dream and desire to turn her passion into a blog and to share with others, but this ONE person's potential reaction was keeping her from it. This really hit me in my heart because I was so proud of her breakthrough. She had really done some great healing work around it. I encouraged her to let go of that person's perception and follow her heart, but I knew all too well this feeling and how challenging it can be for some of us. I began to think of all the times when I'd written a blog post worried about what someone's comment might be or when I create a new class, or shared a breakthrough. Even now as I right this and share my story, I'm vulnerable, but the work that I've done around that has been amazing and why I'm here sharing in the first place. Attaching myself to YOUR perception of me only keeps me Tucked In and playing small. I'm not small. God created me to be GREAT! And you too!
I really wish I had the magic formula for working through this. Of course there are many healing modalities, coaches, counselors and UGH "Gurus" out there that will tell you what to do, but I'm convinced it has to start from within. With one little crack in the armor, coming through a God Nod. Then it's all about getting quiet to be able to listen and hear the message. Give yourself time and love yourself through the process. Love removes fear every day of the week! I'm here for you cheering you on!