To heal my heart, I have had to come to some very harsh realizations about myself. The toughest so far is that I am a recovering Co-Dependent. I am still learning what this means to me. But my definition is that I have been trying to earn my value in everything I've done. In order to avoid feeling rejected, I would "create" (a fancy word for control) situations that painted me as the one to take care of everything. As a child I was the overachiever, because overachievers couldn't be rejected. Other people's opinions mattered to me so I tried my hardest to make the opinions positive ones. My identity was all about accomplishments. And probably the most damaging behavior was holding myself accountable for fixing someone else's dysfunction. Taking on the responsibility for making their life better. The problem with all of these things is that none of it filled my heart. It was exhausting playing so many roles and Tucking the Fringe that I didn't even know who I was. I was numb. And on top of that, even with all my efforts, I still felt rejected. In the process of taking on the responsibility for everyone else's healing and pain, I neglected myself. I was looking for fulfillment outside of myself and I was tired. I'm still tired. There are days when I wake up and the mantra going through my head from the second I awaken is, I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired... All day long.
Recognizing and accepting are steps to healing. Letting go of judgement of myself and forgiving myself is difficult but imperative. I don't judge myself for having a difficult moment or a negative thought. I don't pretend to have it all figured out. I'm supposed to live in contentment and gratitude at all times, right!? No, I'm not that perfect! And fortunately, I don't have to be. I know I am made for love not based on my accomplishments, but by God's immeasurable grace. I know I can shift where I am in my thoughts by coming back to that grace. I am loved no matter what!
I use many tools each day to help me to stay focused on my recovery and healing. This is something that I have written and hung on my wall alongside the Man in the Arena speech by Theodore Roosevelt.
I am enough!
I live in the land of plenty, where I am enough.
I call the shots.
I am sharing my gift and living my truth.
I will not Tuck my Fringe. I will share my journey in an authentic way.
I will write it.
I will speak it.
My truth will attract like minded people to me and I will welcome them with compassion and care.
I am enough because God says so!
Are you struggling with self worth right now? Are you in recovery and having a challenging time?
No matter where you are in your journey, just beginning or deep into the process, know that beyond a shadow of doubt you are enough because God loves you unconditionally!
I'm here for you~